I’M I WRONG?

I’M I WRONG?

Love stories… some end the way they begun; silently. Without scarcely a whisper from the universe. It seems almost as if the gods of love do not care. And others, well….they begin the way you and I started. Two great stars in the heavens colliding. Whoever got caught up in between be damned. It was you and I against them all.

Here of course my poetry ends. Even language does not seem to do justice to us. I remember quite clearly the way you walked, no…. Sashayed into class. I had never quite figured out how to use the word “sashay” but you dear miss. You gave it life because there was music in the way you walked. Rhythm in the way you glided into class after class. The nerd in me almost thought I was finally in an alternate universe. Where wizards and witches reigned. I only hoped to see you in Gryfindor robes and all would be perfect.

Then there was the small problem of how to approach you. Because you do not approach someone like you as you would anyone else. There must be a slight tremble in your voice, a fearful trepidation in the way to catch your attention, my hand when it finally clasps yours must shake just slightly enough. To betray the earthquakes happening within me, the way my heart gladdens to have you look in my eyes.

Stupid in love… sigh

All of this is of course a bunch of shit. I never did come over to say hello. It was an accident of nature that brought me into your orbit. When finally the lecturer decided we needed to learn how to communicate and work together in preparation for our internships. So he bundled as together, the awkward nerds with the cool kids. Somehow, I ended up with you. And in that moment, life was finally okay. You were easy to talk to, not that my lisp and endless stuttering helped.

You were happy to tell me about how your boyfriend, Nick was always messing up. Acting like he did not know who the heck he was dating. I listened, happily. Happy that I got to be in a small way, part of your universe. A part of me, always, waiting patiently. For when you realized you and him were never meant to be. It was supposed to be me and you, against the whole freaking…okay that sounds cliché but yes, the freaking world.

Love spell much?

But you never seemed to be able to break from him. Even with my incessant prodding, even when I was willing to be the unending, unwavering crutch. You seemed to always find your way back to him, with me following closely, as a faithful puppy. You did sometimes call me, “your pup.” Now imagine my surprise when 3 years after campus, you text me out of the blues. I fell out with you, when I said I could not continue supporting your relationship with him. I had hoped that would finally push you two apart. But no, you held on. You want me to come to your wedding. To stand at the back, and pretend one more time, that there is nothing going on. That I am as always your faithful puppy. You called, I came.

***

I sit here on the farthest row from the front. I told myself that this was the closest one to the exit. But I wanted to see you first, to look at how beautiful you look as you walk away from me one final time. And indeed you look stunning…did the gods sleep next to you last night? I see you as you come ever nearer to the Church’s door. We end the way we begun. You walking in, the room falling silent. Amazed… Your husband to be smiling like an absolute fool. And me, sitting here listening to RadioHead’s song playing. “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell I’m I doing here, I don’t belong here.” Maybe in the next life, my courage won’t fail me. We will be together then…..maybe.

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