I have erectile dysfunction.

It hit me like a brick the first time. I had finally managed to get Achieng’ to come over to my place. She was a difficult one Achieng’. She took a lot of convincing. Achieng’, was and still is very easy on the eyes, with an ass that felt like Whitney Houston’s voice. It was booming. I thought it was only fair that I make it…I mean her mine. She came over on a Saturday; at 5:30 in the evening. Early enough that the sun was out, but late enough that everyone was home. I made sure that my neighbors saw her coming in. You could feel their eyes from behind their window curtains, pretending not to care. It did help, that after Achieng’ stepped into my house, her derriere followed a full 30 seconds later. It was poetic.

Now, there is an art to asking Nairobi ladies to lay with you. You do not just jump on the bed and ask her to come. No! You coax her knickers off, slowly. You speak to them gently. Ask them where they originally came from. How do they like Africa? Have they gone on safari? Do they like Kenyan cats? Lion, cheetahs etc. They will tell you they made in some factory in Thailand. The one near Bangkok. Touche! They came to Africa by ship, and were smuggled in, so the importer did not pay taxes. Achieng’ bought them at Eastleigh by the dozen. So the knickers’ sisters are somewhere in Achieng’s bedroom. Though a few may have been left in bedrooms across the nation. And if the knickers’ like you, they will loosen up.

They did loosen up for me. I did of course, employ a variety of other tactics to supplement my knicker talking abilities. The foremost being food. It is important to have food in abundant supply. I have been quite shocked to find out that these ladies do have voracious appetites for food, amongst other things. And you know what they say about girls, a hungry woman, is an angry woman. As the evening wore on, Achieng’ decided that I was worthy of her. I had expected a long night of sordid love making. Instead, we had the longest heart to heart I hope never to experience in my lifetime again. I, of course, prepared a number of excuses to explain my inabilities in that arena. Chief, among them was my belief that one must not play games of an adult nature the first time she comes over. Thankfully, she did not ask such questions.

She left in the morning, happy. Believing she had met a different type of man. I hope that was that. However, she did ask, later on via text. Why I did not “take her” that night. Naturally, I told her the absolute truth. I wanted our first night to be special. Which is why I was planning to take her to Mombasa for among other things, long conversations on the beach. She was elated. She called me baby for the first time that day. She wanted my babies, I could feel it. My equipment however, simply refused to comply. I consulted one of my friends who swore that traditional medicine would sort me out. He called it “mukhombero” even told me I would be stronger than an ox the next day. All I ended up with was the severest diarrhea ever to be experienced by a human being. It did not help that Achieng’ wanted to come take care of me when I told her I was sick.

There are many things God did not give women. But he gave them discernment. That unerring ability to know what you are hiding. The way my mama knows I have been a bad boy and calls me for a proper lecture yet I am a grown man. I cannot explain it, but they know, they always know. Achieng’ sent me a link some days later, aptly titled, “Men who limp.” It discusses what Erectile dysfunction is and the causes for it. I am yet to respond to that text.

It is safe to say, we will not be heading to Mombasa soon.

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Hey Guys,

I have been talking to friends about Erectile Dysfunction especially in younger men. It is surprisingly, more prevalent than it seems on the surface. If you are a man and you are experiencing this, go see a doctor. No point dying of stress.

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PS….This is a fiction.

• Fiction
• Short Stories