2 am and she calls me because I’m still awake. Sobs, “Can you help me, unravel my latest mistake. I don’t love him. Christmas just wasn’t my season.”

Diana has always been my best friend. And while her mind is an intellectual greenhouse, where information quickly comes in and out. We cannot say the same about her nether regions. She hasn’t had a boyfriend in the 7 years since we left the University of Nairobi. Which is saying something considering I’ve had quite a few… A lady never tells. Currently I have a boyfriend James, and I lay his friend on the side. If the men can do it, so can we. Anyway, I digress. We pushed Diana to start going on dates. Got her a couple of dates with some guys. Not the really cute ones because those are simply not her type. She’s my girl, but baby girl was never meant to be a model. But hell I love her. Most guys ran after the first date. Until she met Ronny. I don’t exactly where she met him. She must have told me about that but her stories are extremely boring. Nothing juicy to expect from her date night stories. Unless you count a very awkward kiss, involving an unprecedented amount of teeth interesting. When Ronny first kissed her, we couldn’t stop her from repeating that story for weeks. After the 1st time, I almost shot myself every time I heard it again.

But she liked him

Ronny is broke lakini. And you know these broke boys in Nairobi…. Hapana. Where is he supposed to take you? Especially when you are girl staring at 30. I only wanted the best for my girl. So we hooked her up with Jakom. I swear that brother is loaded, ugly as hell but aki ako na pesa!

Life hasn’t been kind to Diana. So these past few years have been hard.  What with her refusing to use her God given assets. Ati, she is above using her body to get a free meal. I can’t understand her, sometimes I wonder why we are friends. Anyway, Jakom offers to take this mama out. He can be an absolute gentleman when he chooses to. An insufferable fool some of the time yes, but he has his moments. He took her to Sarova Panafric on their first date. The one just opposite that corruption place. Where we, as a country, saw Waiguru saunter in, we expected her to be taken away in cuffs. But she come out with her middle finger in the freaking air. A big fuck you to all of us who thought this country was gonna change. Anyway, Jakom pulled all the stops for this girl, a kanice dinner. Pulled her chair, of course, and ordered the wine as required…Told you he could be a gentleman. The girl couldn’t even pronounce the wine she drank. Almost bit her tongue trying to pronounce a full bodied savignon blanc.

He didn’t even ask for a kiss. Got the girl falling in love. Ronny akarushwa kando, what with his lack of kissing skill. Doesn’t anyone give these young boys mangoes these days?

Jakom not one to let a good lay go to waste, quickly asked for a follow up date. Same script as the last one. Only difference he did try to get laid on this one. By force.

Imagine!

Baby girl said no to him.she apparently believes in some 90 day rule. Like this is the 1940s when we still believed in marriage. Which is why I find myself driving at 2:30 am to her place. Her house is somewhere where water comes once a week. Shida tu! She told me she’d called the other girls from our crew to come too. We were meeting at the hotel room in 20 minutes. She told me the whole story as I dressed. He had invited her over to his hotel room after dinner. Ati, for a midnight snack. He mentioned coffee and croissants. Baby girl was too naive to know she was supposed to be the snack. At first, he asked gently. You know the way these boys even make their voice deeper when they are tryna get it. Then they hold you by the hand. At first you think they are so strong until it starts to hurt. He slapped her, then pulled her close, by force. He tried to kiss her. Then, she snapped…

What happened?

As I pull into the hotel, I notice the other girls are here. Their fuel guzzlers are double parked as usual. It’s the only way a girl should Park anyway. I rush in to room 105. The attendants don’t seem to be around which is a good thing.  The CCTV cameras don’t work which is why Jakom chose this place for his escapades. Don’t even ask why I know that.

I enter the room…. Fuck!

He is lying there with a knife in his chest. The room smells like a butchery. Human blood is everywhere. She is crying her eyes out about not wanting to go to jail. The other girls are busy consoling her. I’m thinking coming here means I’m an accomplice after the fact. Which carries a minimum sentence of 15 years in the slammer. Have you seen me? These nails can’t do jail.

I’m thinking how to get us out of this mess. Plus I neglected to mention that Jakom was a freaking MP and in this country, that means serious heat from the cops. Fuck!

I tell one of the girls to get Diana out of the room and out of here. She’s too freaking emotional. Fuck!

Tiana and myself are more reasonable. Time to start cleaning fingerprints.

We quickly wipe down the place. I go through his pockets and find his phones. One of those is a burner phone. He uses it only once and throws it away. So no one can track his movements. I remove the battery and throw it in my bag . I’ll get rid of it later. I see some fabric in his right hand. I check, it’s her knickers. He tried to rape her. Didn’t know she was the wrong girl.

I take his main phone and dial the cops. I say nothing, just let it ring. I can hear the afande nervously calling his name, “mkubwa, mkubwa iko shida?” Thank goodness he doesn’t have his guards with him we would be royally screwed. Diana would probably have stopped a bullet by now. I wipe his phone down, I see D’s lipstick on one of the cups. I have tried to get this girl to stop wearing cheap make up. You know the type that announces all the cutlery you’ve used. Plus it smudges faster than you can say “Crown Paints.” I quickly wipe that down, and I head to the bathroom. There’s some bleach in there, I mix it up with the vodka from the cellar. I assure you, nothing messes up a crime faster than this concoction. And mama always said watching, “Criminal Minds,” would not help me in this life. I pour it all around. I’m about to light a fire but I figure that will only wake up people faster.  No need to draw any more attention.

The cops are coming

It has been 3 minutes since I called the cops. Shit! They will be here in 2 more minutes. What? You didn’t know their average response time is 5 minutes when someone in government needs them. For the rest of you, watakuja wakitaka.

I send Tiana out to go and start the car. The time for messing around is over. I finish up. It’s time to head out, I wipe down the door knob as I rush out. Almost forgot her knickers, I grab those and kick his face with my boots. I know we are supposed to respect the dead but goodness, it did feel good kicking him.

Tiana has the car revving, even had the passenger door open, it’s pedal to the metal when I jump in. Doesn’t even let me strap in before she blows through the hotel gate. I hear sirens in the distance. My mind is racing, where to go, who to call, do I need a lawyer? The car is simply swimming on tarmac. If there is a reason to buy a German machine. It is this, you never know when you will need to flee from a murder scene. As we make the second corner, we passed 3 police cars. These fuckers can be efficient when it’s their asses on the line. In the last car, I see his guard. We lock eyes and I almost hear the screws in his head turning. Wondering where he saw me, hopefully it will be a couple of minutes before he remembers walking in on me and Jakom, doing the nasty.

Faster, fasteeer

Tiana is not messing around, her face is screwed in concentration. Making this baby give us everything she can at 120kph. Looking at her then,honestly she turned me on just a bit. Then, I hear it. A car stopping in the distance, gravel quickly giving way to the police land cruiser. Almost as if it understands not to mess with Kenyan cops. The guard remembered. Shit!

Tiana reads my mind. I see her slip off her heels, the car doesn’t even slow down. Have you tried blinking at 120kph? This girl removed her shoes and did not even break a sweat. A part of me is impressed. She puts her foot fully on the accelerator. I am scared now. I see flickering lights in the distance. I hear it, the first shot. We are going to die today.

Death is comin-g

Tiana breaks suddenly and does a 180 degree turn on the steering wheel. The car spins, she’s changing gears, we are moving in reverse. She rolls down the windows. She is looking at the side mirror. Can’t see anything in the distance. The girl puts her hand on my headrest. She isn’t even sweating. My heart is shaking. Can’t understand why she did the whole reverse thing, I’m too scared to ask. We careen onto Waiyaki way, just near Kangemi. This road is full of cameras, especially near Westlands. We have to get off it. Just as I start getting my wits back. She spins the car back. A full 240 degree turn, and steadies the car just like that.  This woman will kill me. I’m tempted to jump and catch a bullet instead. But let’s face it, I’m a coward.

She crosses over the barrier and quickly moves into Mountain View. The car purrs, the cops are not far off judging by their sirens. There are still people around. Not that the cops care, the second shots rings out. My side mirror is shatters. The car starts to veer off the road. I remember I did not eat my vegetables the way daddy ordered, I’m going to hell, if I die today. She points it towards Mountain View. I piss on myself a bit, I swear just a little. Then I hear it. The cruiser splutters, coughs then gives up the ghost. The sirens ring still but the vehicle has stopped. I am about to smile when I hear automatic gun fire. If you have never heard the racket of a G3 rifle firing in semi-automatic bursts at 2:47am, when those rounds are directed at you, then you have not lived. I hear some of the rounds impacting on the vehicle’s underside. Tiana is driving in curves, if they can’t get a lock on us, the better, straight lines will get us killed. How did she know to do that? We are doing 150kph in a residential area. I need to find out what this girl actually does for a living. My hearts quietens, and I see it. The bullet mark on the windscreen. All this for trying to get Diana laid, I need new friends.

We emerge on the other side of Mountain View, near Kawangware. She slows down for the first time. We need to hide the vehicle and get the windscreen changed.

She knows where.

We head towards Dagoretti. Just passed the abattoirs where the meat eaten at State House is slaughtered. My heart finally is at peace.

For the first time, I imagine it. They will get to room 105 and call out. They don’t want to walk in on him in case he is alive. When they cannot stand it any longer, they will break in. I think of them opening the door to find Mheshimiwa in a pool of his own shit. Killed by the women he despised his whole life.  I hope I didn’t forget anything. Standing there, in a shady garage 37 minutes from the scene of a murder. I don’t know why but I am thrilled as hell. Haven’t felt this alive in a long time. We should do this again….soon.

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• Fiction